A
male
age
30-35,
*hiobucks
writes:Girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. When we first started dating she spilled her sexual past with me despite my reservations. Initially I hated hearing it because it was much more than my own but I grew to love her and respect her past. A major hang up we've had is the topic of oral sex. I religiously go down on her and do everything in my power to make her feel good. When I asked her to do it for me, she said she would but in her own time. She had told me that she only did it with her ex boyfriend almost 4 years ago. I'm definitely a jealous person by nature and getting over her sexual past was difficult but I did it and moved forward. I see her receiving and sending snapchats to ex's every once and a while but wrote it off and trusted her with making the right decisions. Despite hearing things I wish I wouldn't have from one of her ex's while she was not around I continued to pay no mind to who she texts and snapchats. She told me that one of her new years resolutions was to perform oral for me more often so I felt reassured about my concerns on the matter. I always felt uneasy that she performed it for her ex bf but would not with me. Her birthday is coming up and while we were returning home from a vacation she received a text from her ex boyfriend that read "hey how are you doing". This guy is engaged! I told her I trust her to handle it accordingly and continued on. The next day I saw a snapchat had been sent to a different reccuring ex and I asked to talk to her about it. Keep in mind I have never gone through her phone as I think that is extremely dishonest in a relationship. I saw the snap had been sent out of the corner of my eye when she was showing me her snapchats. She said I was being silly (which I admit I was) and that just because of her history with him doesn't mean that she can't update him once and a while. This was the guy that tried to get a rise out of me by talking about her while I was out in public one evening. I told her that I had heard him talking and it made me angry that she continued contact with him through snapchat. I explained that even though to her it is harmless, it is completely demeaning to me that he is allowed contact with her. She agreed somewhat and told me that he wasn't in her "top friends" on snanpchat and that I shouldn't worry. She then opened her top friends on snapchat and low and behold her most recent ex encounter (a third lingering lover) was number 3 on the list. I got frustrated and in a hurry she deleted snapchat entirely. While this was happening we ended up on the blowjob debate again. I told her how it felt for me knowing that she willingly performed oral for her ex bf but only for me if I pleaded with her and asked repeatedly. She understood and went on about her past. She told me that her 'number' was not just people that she had gone all the way with. Continuing our conversation it came to light that her original ex bf was not the only one whom she had done it for. I became very upset at this point and didn't know what to say. I told her that it hurt me that the one thing I asked of her, she did for others whom she wasn't dating but not for me who she has been dating for six months. I love this girl and I'm not going to do anything rash over this but I need some guidance on how to operate. She repeatedly says that she's extremely happy with me and she loves us, I just can't seem to feel comfortable over the fact that these three guys keep rearing their ugly heads every time I think we've moved on from her past. I appreciate any guidance on this matter, thank you in advance.
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blow-job, engaged, her ex, her past, jealous, oral sex, sexual past, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (27 January 2015):
A nagging man or woman isn't sexy. Let's agree on that. So begging for a blowjob, you can imagine, isn't the most manliest thing you can do.
Concerning your girl friend and her actions, I honestly have no idea why she has her ex bfs on her lists of contacts at all. I think if you were the one snap chatting your ex girl friends, she would be pretty steamed about it. I want to say maybe she does not feel comfortable about oral but you do it for her, and she has done it before in the past for others so I would be just as concerned as you are.
I do agree with you that it is not wise to make rash decisions, but after six months I would expect things to be moving forward rather than the past being used as excuses. If her past contains such issues, I am also questioning why she is in contact with them. I do believe this is a matter of respect and not jealousy.
If it were me, I would try to find a way to take control of this situation because I think you have been more than understanding and obviously this isn't working out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): I think you have a legitimate beef about her contact with the ex-boyfriends. If this girl is serious about you and wants to have a long relationship with you, she should be open about all her texts/emails/tweets/etc and who she contacts via these avenues.
She should also not continue to "update" ex-boyfriends, as this leaves the door open to them. She may do it for the attention, and likes flirting for her ego. Not abnormal, just rude & dismissive of your feelings. Take a stand and ask her to stop this behaviour out of respect for your relationship. Be prepared to leave if she does not do this.
I think you need to lay off the oral sex arguments with her for a while though. Maybe she did this for men she did not want to date exclusively, and I know girls who really dislike this act. If this is something she did with guys before you (none of your business but she brings it up) it was her choice at the time. It does not mean she likes you less than them, it proabably means the opposite.
Sometimes girls use oral in place of intercourse so we don't have to have sex with someone we don't like that much. Please keep that in mind.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (27 January 2015):
 From the sound of things your girlfriend has trouble knowing where and how to set boundaries in a relationship.
It's okay to have a past, and while she did your peace of mind no favors in relating hers, she probably meant it as a good faith gesture of honesty so you wouldn't be surprised if the subject came up down the road. (Many people post on here in complete agony because years into marriage they learn their partner has had much more sex with many more people than s/he let on while dating.)
What's not okay is the fact that your girlfriend doesn't seem ready to leave the remnants of these past relationships in the past where they belong and focus ahead on a possible future with you. Sometimes failed relationships turn into great friendships and in cases like that it's not a given that the friendship gets cut off when one of the friends finds a new romantic partner. But if all she does is snapchat these guys periodically, there's not really a case to be made that they're great and important friends in her life. I'd guess that she keeps them around because she likes the attention.
That said, six months is long enough for you to expect a certain level of respect in the relationship, i.e. that she values your happiness and trust higher than she does casual snapchats with former lovers. If you haven't sat down with her and had a conversation about boundaries in the relationship and what each of you considers acceptable behavior, it is time to have that conversation. Doing so will also help you to clarify whether these were honest, meaningless mistakes on her part or whether she really doesn't value the relationship the way that you do - if she's been told explicitly that you find these things hurtful and still does them after that, you'll have your answer as to where you stand on her list of priorities.
Now on to the oral sex. You're not going to like my answer to this part of your question, but the fact is that NO MATTER WHAT she may have done with anyone else beforehand, she doesn't owe it to you to give you oral. People have the right to explore sexually with consenting partners and they also have the right to decide they don't like certain things and don't want to do them. Suppose you tried anal (giving or even receiving, via strap-on) with an ex-girlfriend and you happened to hate it - thought it hurt, thought it was gross, felt degraded, thought it degraded your girlfriend, you name it. Would that mean that all future girlfriends should be able to ask that you do anal with them too, even though you already knew it was something you hated?
Oral may be something she genuinely doesn't enjoy and never has - many women don't care for it - or maybe she had a bad experience with it. Maybe somewhere in her past someone forced it on her, or took advantage of her while she was drunk. We don't know, and you don't either, but pressuring her for something she evidently doesn't want or isn't currently ready to give is NOT going to improve your relationship. As a straight woman who has no problem giving oral to begin with, I'll tell you that nothing is less sexy (or more off-putting, moodwise) to me than having a partner nag me for it. I love going down on my current partner because it's not expected or demanded of me; it's a spontaneous way to show my affection and appreciation for him. I had an ex who constantly asked for it and with him it always felt like a chore. He may have asked for it more, but he got it a lot less often, because I didn't particularly enjoy feeling like a sexual vending machine. Just saying...
If you want to go down on her, that's great, assuming you enjoy it. If not, you don't have to - nowhere in your post does it sound like she is demanding you give her oral and then refusing to reciprocate. But don't do it as a way to corner her or make her feel she owes it to you to do something she doesn't like.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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